Why everyone hates Bob.

Looking at the schematics for my Federation Navy Comet, I sigh. This isn’t going to make my wallet too happy with the fitting, I think as I plough through the contract pages searching out modules for the Frigate.

We have a new member – and together with Eledhan, he’s attempting to corrupt my Corp with talk of harvesting rocks. Sure, if you want to sit, staring at poor, innocent chunks of floating flotsum – go ahead. It’s not my idea of fun, and the vessels used for such an occupation have the defensive and offensive capabilities of the very rocks they attack.

Poor, defenseless, mindless chunks of floating debris. What have they done to those vile and malicious miners? Well, to sum it all up, I use an acronym: Protecting Innocent Rocks Against Terrifying Exhumers.

Well, I like it anyway.

Boredom of flying around with no targets set me up with an idea; why not go harass my fellow Corp members, sureley they could do with some sort of diversion. Is it not my job as a senior member of the Clan Kielle to make sure my pilots are happy? Of course it is.

Docking my new ship, I had her hold filled with the finest Void ammunition for flavour and headed out to their location. As I landed, there was a small gang of low-ranking Serpentis in the scanned-out Omber deposit. Without thinking, I released my payload of Warrior II attack drones and started making for the targets. Afterburner powering the small ship to an excess of a kilometre a second then readied my weapons.

Closer and closer they came, the modified Velator-class Frigates a mere trifle for my pets, I open fire. Blinking as I watch my first target torn assunder with a single volley from my Light Neutron IIs. I was shocked, then I turned upon the last vessel – a man we dubbed ‘Bob’.

Being an obviously intelligent pilot, he turned and fled at the sight of my drones and vessel baring down upon him. “Your target is lost,” came the metallic voice of my ship computer. “Did he just run away?” My camera drones panning around as it took a moment to realise Thoren was there too. “He’s smart, I’d run if I saw Dossie running at me the way she killed his friends,” Eledhan responded. I sigh and shrug within my capsule, “I’ll come back in my Vexor, they might decide to come back and try again.” With that I left them to staring at their rocks and made my way to pick up the ship.

“He’s back,” came thoren over the Corporate NeoComm channel as I begin docking procedures. “I’ll be along in a moment, is it the same guy?” This time it was Vaedrin – our new Corp member responding, “yes, Ma’am. Same ship type and signature.”

As I park up the Comet and send swift orders to replace my Capsule into the waiting Vexor-class Cruiser, I make sure there’s something big and heavy to hit the man with in the drone bay – Hammerhead II attack drones. Within moments, my Vexor is prepped and moving to the undock ring. “Control to Cyba Slugge, you are clear to undock.”

“Roger that and I’ll see you in a while,” I respond, kicking the mid-sized vessel into warp the moment she clears the undock ring.

Once again – I land in the hidden Omber deposit and confirm it’s the same man. Locking protocols engage as I release my payload of Hammerhead IIs then send them screaming after him. He warps off.

Again, the same man warps in then warps out. It happened three- maybe four times, “Gods damned, thrice cursed son of a Fedo is toying with us,” I growl over the Corporate channel, swiftly kicking my vessel around and switching it for my Blackbird-class ECM Cruiser.

As I arrive back, the man we dubbed ‘Bob’ come back, my targetting systems engaged and I send a volley of missiles and him. His shields collapsed under the strain and he turned, targetting systems shut down by the ECM pulses and fled once more.

“I think Bob’s pissed off Dossie,” Eledhan chuckles. Not in the best of moods, I turn my attention to his ship, locking it swiftly then begin to throw random sensor ghosts and electronic noise at his targetting systems.

We wait for a few minutes when the proximity systems pipe up – three vessels, Frigate class ships inbound. Bob had returned with backup.

As soon as they enter targetting range, I begin locking up Bob’s new friends in Incursus-class Frigates, my missiles slowly tearing their vessels apart, a small portion of my mind reaching out and grabbing our new friend. A graviton beam and random ion pulses disrupting his warp core and targetting systems. We dispatch his wouldbe helpers then turn our attention on him.

“Well met, Bob,” I say, hailing his vessel through a private channel. “Fuck off, Federate whore.”

“Now, is that the way you speak to a lady?” Thoren said, his drones menacingly orbiting the locked down ship. “You’ve really annoyed me, dear. But I’m too nice to just destroy you out of hand so I’ll give you an offer. Join my Corp and we’ll spare you.”

“I ain’t joining no Federate pigs. Go burn in perdition,” came his reply, his voice heated. “Very well,” I sigh, “and I’m a Gurista, not a Federate whore. Gents, fire at will.” With that, we vaporised his vessel.

Turning my vessel and aligning out, I speak through the Corp channel, “well boys, this was fun, but I’d like to get some decent tea. I’ll be at The Broken Piano if needed.” I warp out and head off to have some relaxation and a good cup of tea.

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