Rawr, fishsticks

Shopping, food. I need more noodles. Yup, oh and some cocoa and some coffee. Maybe get some Darjeeling, also.

Oh, I bought a new hat last week, too. Yup, it’s awesome and people keep trying to steal it. I have one thing to say to them; “DIS MAI HAT DEMMIT.”

So, anyway. I went out, hatless and hair flapping freely in the breeze to the supermarket and with a trolley – shopping cart to you crazy American types – I proceeded to casually toss the necessary stuff in. My phone rang, “ohai. Yes, yes, no, uh huh. Oki, wah? Ohhh, yah. Right, not possible. I’m in England. Hmm, yah, zaijian,” an ex decided it was a good time to make the peace and offer to give my old PC back. As I picked up a box of fish fingers and put my phone in my pocket, I hear someone clear their throat behind me. “Excuse me, ma’am, could you come with me?”

I turn and see a security guard looking at me sternly, “uhhhh, sure but I have ice-cream in the trolley and if it melts, my pet banana wont be too happy. Can I halp you with anything?” His face went from grrr to shock to confusion in a blink of an eye. “Sorry, your pet what?”

“Oh, I’d mention Fluffy and the fedo I keep in the compost bin, but Sir Stickly – that’s my pet banana, keep up, dear – well, Sir Stickly would be very upset his Ben & Jerries Phish Phood melted. So, can I halp with anything or are you going to stare at me in bewildered bemusement all day?” He blinked, going a slightly pale shade, his hands idling beside the can of pepper spray on his belt, “I have reason to suspect you may have stolen goods on you,” he says. As I stand there blinking, another security guard comes over – a female officer.

“Does that mean I have to be cavity searched?” I ask, looking at the female guard and winking. She blanches slightly and I shrug, “I can empty my pockets here, but the only incriminating evidence you’ll find are the nicorette gum and cigarettes in my purse.”

After a few moments of the security people rifling through my pockets and other items, they apologise, saying someone matching my description was caught stealing from other stores in the town. That’s the last time I go out wearing slouching clothes because people mistake me for a chav. =|


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