A Poast for teh fundis:

1 biogenesis (16:21): Ambiogenesis.

The discoverer of the phenomena of abiogenesis was the scientist Aristotle, who perceived that living beings are alive, except when they are dead, because they have been accidentally exposed to a vital principle that, apparently, is constantly floating about in the Earth’s atmosphere and thus making them alive. When putrid matter, for example, is in intermediate contact with a sufficient quantity of this gaseous element élan vital, it acquires the form of a living organism, such as rats, dogs, flies, worms, and highly infectious zombies. Aristotle also supported his stunning theoretical conjecture by drawing attention to previously unexplained correlations between the lack of breathing and death.


The first known scientific proof of spontaneous generation is recorded in the Bible, where it is said that God spontaneously gave life to Adam (who was previously just a bunch of lifeless molecules of mud lying on the ground not unlike the lifeless molecules our cells are made of, but with more silicon dioxide) via the scientific process of mouth-to-mouth suscitation. It is particularly noteworthy that living beings such as Adam and his kind, even though they are composed solely of animated mud and air, are not quite the same thing as a golem (a popular Jewish delicacy made from disassembled robots).


Throughout history, hard-core evolutionists have attempted at any cost to disprove spontaneous generation once and for all. In 1865, the Reverend Louis Pasteur (a famous evolutionist who died from acute homogenization) alleged that, under controlled conditions, living beings simply cannot spring alive from mud, putrid matter, or even crucified corpses; but rather that they must all come from their remote ancestors in an immense genealogical tree (cleverly overlooking the logical requirement of spontaneous generation at the root of the tree). Utilizing many gallons of surplus milk and a Van De Graaff Generator™, Pasteur conducted some highly questionable “experiments” that apparently disproved any form of spontaneous generation whatsoever. However, his controversial “results” have long since been exposed by creation science for what they are: a fraudulent misuse of the evil powers of voodoo. Another real use of the evil power of voodoo to disprove spontaneous generation was performed in 1668 by Francesco Redi, an Italian physician and poet. To discredit the fact that maggots could spontaneously arise in rotting meat, Redi placed meat in a variety of flasks. Some of these flasks were open to the air, some were blocked off by gauze, and some sealed off completely. Thus if maggots formed only in the meat accessible to flies then the assertion could be made that maggots only appear with the presence of flies. However Redi had used voodoo taught to him by an evil High Priestess during his stay in Louisiana to create an anti-angel barrier. Without angels to perform the necessary suscitation when God was too busy Redi appeared to be correct. The angels, not wanting to seem inconsistent with what people thought they had observed because that would undermine faith, decided grudgingly never to perform suscitation anywhere adult forms of the life they intended to create were not present.


Hold It Right There or H.I.R.T. was an organization devoted to pointing out that, “abiogenesis and spontaneous generation are two completely different things and shouldn’t be discussed together except for historical context. Spontaneous generation purposes that materials randomly in a single step process form modern organisms, hence ‘spontaneous’. Abiogenesis however is a multi-step process starting with simple organic molecules and progressing to polymers then replicating polymers then hypercycles then protobionts and then bacteria, all done by reactions explainable by chemistry. Its not just some mud puddle getting struck by lightning, and while that is effective at creating life, its not abiogenesis.” After pointing this out, all of the members of H.I.R.T. had the crap beat out of them by angry creationists and evolutionists with nothing better to do. Fortunately before any of the attacking party could make a joke like ‘they must be HIRTing now’ the angels decided to repeal their ban on unexplainable suscitation. “Just this once, for the good of humanity,” as one Seraphim put it. The entire area was quickly swarming with velociraptors. There were no survivors.

2 Time & things (21:18): Entropy.

The definition of entropy is the amount of physical disorder in a closed system of energy. To make yourself a picture of what that might be, just think about the mess in your nearest teenager’s private closet.

Some people think that Entropy is fictitious propaganda, along with the second law of thermodynamics in which it is mentioned. They see it as lies spread to hide the truth of determinism from us.

Nveertheless, ordinary pe ple usually beileve in Entr4py (when they know what the hell it is… or better to say, what kind of a hell it is). Theyworship it, they blame Entropy for every disorder in their lives. For example, if a tidy rOom turns messy, it’s not their fa:lt, it’s Entropy’s. Thye beiLeve EntWopy wEill sommmday ConTHume _he universe…

Well, if Errropy do:. e:ist, ;he oHly d+sörd3r :t ;s resfgnsdgle foe ss t¤e#e 0eobl0’s beb%#l dis”i£ ½rd3er .

Scientists refuse to dignify entropy with invitations to their special science parties because it is widely considered to have an attitude problem. Uniquely among thermodynamic quantities, it has never held a steady job. In addition:

Entropy smells, quite badly, of cheap cider.

Entropy once stole a fiver from Pressure, and Volume totally saw him.

Entropy has been known to spread vicious rumours about Gibbs and Helmholtz gaying up at so-called “Free Energy” parties.

Entropy is constantly sharing his “ideas”.

Entropy! It’s happening.

Entropy of an isolated system tends to increase with time (i.e. things get messier all by themselves, unless you invest energy in cleaning them up.) This is due to Quantum Murphydynamics.

Due to all negativity associated with the entropy entity the 1953 Harward International Conference in Thermodynamics decided to hire Hendrics & Lawsons Advertisment Bureau to spice up the concept a little. They concluded after 3 years public reserach that the consumers liked the thought of useful work better than useless disorder, in daily life as well as in abstract closed energy systems. So the Bureau suggested that to increase thermodynamics share of the popular science market segment they should reinforce the positive side of energy organisation instead of the messy disorder part and – viola! – the concept of exergy was born. Exergy describes the potential amount of work an energetic system can exert, while entropy speaks about the systems disorder. Now entropy is related to exergy in the way that when exergy diminishes entropy increases. To go back to our energetic teenager simile: when the teenager starts to clean his room, the mess decreases and vice versa.

It turned out that the advertisement bureau was right in their suggestion: the concept of a tidy teenager fell in much better earth than the thought of a messy room, so thanks to the exergy concept, young researchers in thermodynamics are no longer banned from parties where other scientists’ teenage daughters are present.

Quantum chemists determined in 1955 that the entropy density function is equivalent to the electron density of a 1S orbital subshell. According to the Pauli exclusion principle, when Shakespeare was born, there was a rift in the entropy density function, which led to the birth of Hitler. Linear algebraists claim to have debunked the mystery about the entropy field flux, but the UN has not approved of this ‘demystification’, because it has use in the development of hypernuclear lasers. The United Entropy Council has a record of supporting cyborg feminism, leading some to believe entropy has fascist undertones.


Entropism is a philosophy derived from the views according to which human beings should act in a natural way and stop living in artificial social forms and come back to old values such as Greek Cynicism, Concervatism etc.

Entropism is different of these in that it takes into account the recent constations of physics, principaly that entropy is a process that is unstopable and the strongest one. Therefore, the most natural way to act is consequently to follow entropy e.i. to increase it by all means.

Entropists will therefore do all they can to find all things that contain or accumulate energy and release it: they will make everything fall as low as possible, they will burn everything, they will throw as much cold things in as much volcanos as possible, they will kill all life (because life acts to concerve its internal entropy and is therefore unnatural), and ideally, they will try to throw all matter in black holes.

It thus results in the most natural philosophy: turning the universe into a giant black hole.


Big bang theory.

“Almost everyone believes the the Universe and time itself had a beginning at the big bang.” ~Stephen Hawkins.


It was a Tuesday afternoon much like any other. It was dark and silent and there really was very little going on. Then it happened – then every single thing ever happened.

The Big Bang is the phenomena in which, from a singularity, all matter came into existence. This matter would eventually go on to form such objects as Jerry Falwell, bikes, Teri Hatcher and Greece.

The big bang wiped out the remaining populations of the already critically endangered dinosaurs of the land before time. Needless to say, the world was shocked by this pronouncement, and Monsignor Georges Henri Joseph Édouard Lemaître was consequently hanged as a result of the Cristero War currently occuring in Mexico, which many think was directly linked to Monsignor Georges Henri Joseph Édouard Lemaître theory, even though it doesn’t fit the chronological order of things. These people are believed to be snorting crack. This really pissed off Captain Kirk so he put a cap in his ass.

Nevertheless, Monsignor Georges Henri Joseph Édouard Lemaître’s work was carried on by Edwin Hubble, who discovered that galaxies are moving away from each other at an increasing rate, which means that sometime in the past they must have all been together. Edwin Hubble later stated that the Hubble-Humason constant of 500 km/s/Mpc, which led many to believe that Edwin Hubble was a victim of mathematiks.

Sir Fred “Hoyle” Flintstone strongly opposed this theory during his entire life, proposing that milky way was never caused by the Big Bang. Instead, the universe would be in a Tantric or Steady State, in which the coitus had not yet come to an end, creating the milky way.

Others have denied this particular theory, saying that the Big Bang was caused by God lighting a fart on fire.

In his essay “Treatise on Stuff”, Descartes has opposed the Bing Bang theory and has called it a misunderstanding. He claims that the concept of the Big Bang has originated from the Latin Big Bong, which explains the existence of the Universe as an illusion of the mind after an experience with a Big Bong. Thus, when we talk about the Bong as a Bang we simply immerse the mind (of the individual self) to a realm of deeper understanding. Therefore, in Descartes’ own words; Cogito Ergo Sum (en. Congenital Argot Some).

Some Mongolian scientists believe that the big bang is the result of the war in Iraq. They claim to have evidence that Saddam blasted his weapons of mass destruction into space, in an attempt to hide them for UN (unique nitwits) officials. According to Mongolian simulations of the various launches, the rockets should have collided some 40 billion kilometers to the left of the fabulous land of the elves where they exploded and bended the space-time magic marker. The following calculations should prove those theories: (5*ln(1/n))^u = MCAlbert Where n stands for the number of times an elf pooped during the launch of the rockets, u for the number of chimps that piloted the rockets, and were MCALbert stands for the average grade of groovyness that Albert Einstein scored on the last poll in 1946. Unfortunately no other scientist wants to confirm this theory, because the rest of the world is ignoring Mongolia since they declared war against the gypsies.

Several other theories have been proposed as well, including the Small Bang Theory, the Moderately-sized Bang Theory, the Just-big-enough Bang Theory, the Large Whimper Theory, the Chitty-Chitty-Bang Bang Theory, the “One-a-Bang, Two-a-Bang, Three-a-Bang, Boom” Theory, the “I was Drunk” Bang,The “Horrendous Space Kablooie” and the Box-office-flop Bang Theory, which states that the big bang was a cause of the dump that the girls from Two Girls One Cup made, all of which had more scientific merit than the Big Bang Theory but due to decreasing popularity in science (and thus, Popular Science magazines) the Big Bang Theory became the norm partially due to its relative simplicity (everything blew up…) and partially because the movie version would be more likely to attract male teens in the 19-25 demographic. Even though the movie version was eventually scrapped (most likely due to the negative reaction films received when they left out subplots in scientific theories), scientists stayed by their initial claim due to both their stubbornness and their unwillingness to be a flip-flopper.

The Burrito Theory

One night, the Father, the Son and the Holy ghost got so high they had an idea to microwave a burrito so big and hot the three of them could not eat it. The burrito theory purports it was this burrito that caused the big bang.

The Vanessa Feltz Theory

A group of scientists studying British Television have formulated a new theory that Vanessa Feltz is in fact immortal.

The theory is that over time Vanessa Feltz ingests an increasing proportion of the Universe, becoming larger and larger with eventually her internal gravity forming a Black Hole which grows progressively feeding on other Black Holes, after a point increasing exponentially during a period known as The Big Crunch which continues until all matter is absorbed. The single Black Hole collapses under it’s own weight and pressure is forced down and out with a supermassive explosion during which the main original emission is fartium, but later the matter of the old universe is emitted. Great waves of fartium continue down the ages as cosmic ripples and then it is time for tea and biscuits and maybe a prime time show and the process starts all over again.


Among those created during the Big Bang include VIRON, Y2k, the phrase “Big Wang”, Osama bin Laden, Saddam, and Hitler. They were formed into a boy band and preform in concerts while being nude.


3 Design/teleological proof (28:47): ID.

Intelligent Design is the absolutely true and totally scientific theory that the Universe is so mind-bogglingly complex that it could only have been designed and constructed by an equally, if not more complex, “Intelligent Designer”, whom we shall call the “Creator”. It might be the Christian God …but it’s not likely; more likely is Fred Savage, or maybe even Frank Zappa and we’re not telling! That’s what makes it scientific.

Please note, in reverence to the Christian God, even though this has nothing to do with the Christian God, Intelligent Designer should always be capitalized. If you refuse to capitalize it we’ll smite you in the name of sweet Jesus.

This Creator might not have been a creator at all, but rather a committee of creators. Therefore the official theory makes absolutely no reference to a Christian God. In fact, the theory was run through a word processor which also checked for all common misspelllings, so this is an absolute certain fact!

Intelligent design was conceived by the highly-respected, completely unbiased, scientific genius William Dembski of the world-renowned Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, a highly prestigious and respected part of the University of Louisville, Kentuckistan. Dr. Dembski is an eccentric genius and was shunned by lesser members of the scientific community as a result of petty jealousy of Dr. Dembski’s great skills.

Some biologists, like the highly religious Ken G. Miller of Brown University, Rhode Island, claim that since Dr. Dembski is a mathematician, he shouldn’t claim to be a major authority on biology. Some of Ken’s graduate students, like Brian Griffin, are actually animals rather than humans (Brian is actually a dog). This is because Ken is in fact a mad scientist.

Unable to counter (or indeed make sense) of such persuasive arguments, the proponents of evolution (who were never astute to the virtues of learning to tune a guitar, let alone listen to Devo), but who included some notable Japanese goddesses, have instead opted to scurrilously cover them up by ensuring that no reputable scientific journal will publish them. Dr. Dembski had been gathering evidence for many years that evolution was incorrect before discovering this proof. Dr. Dembski’s vision, insight and legendary determination also led to the formation of the following arguments:

Evolution isn’t mentioned in the bible, but baseball is – for it was after all “In the Big Inning that god Created the Heavens and the Earth”

Evolution is wrong, or at least unprovable because the nine days of creation were shortened to seven on account of rain.

Irreducible complexity is right and readily demonstrated by examples such as Canadian Football. After all, it uses two big, scientific words and yet still leaves the viewer confounded when he tries to figure out what the quantum mechanical symbol for balk should be.

Evolution is designed to spread atheism and an addiction for televisions instead of board games or participation in real athletic activities

We have no fossil record of Giraffe’s necks getting longer, but we do have a record of George Bush’s nose getting longer, and he once owned a baseball team.

I have a degree in thermodynamics with a GPA of absolute zero.

One other compelling argument intelligent design is true stems from the following logic train:

William Dembski is a pudding

Proof is in the pudding

Proof is in William Dembski

If the proof is already in Dembski then he does not need to provide scientific proof that it’s true, argumentum ad absurdum. Other food-related proofs exist as well.

The Banana Theory

The compelling and intelligent design of the banana offers concrete proof that there is a higher power that designed everything. Originally contrived by Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron, the theory elaborates on different characteristics of the banana that make it useful to human use – which according to the two, clearly indicates the work of a designer.”

Inception of Theory

While using bananas to milk one another’s prostate glands, Cameron and Comfort discovered that Chiquita had distributed a product so clearly designed that it was impossible to refute the evidence any longer. Before long, the two were working hard on a video that would forever change the on-going battle between Intelligent Design pseudo-scientists and science-backed Evolution.

Flaws in Theory

Instantly, critics of The Banana Theory jumped into the fray to proclaim the theory… bananas. Pointing out not only the unique relation the curvature of the banana has to the proximity of Kirk Cameron’s prostate; it was also pointed out that bananas have the unique curvature associated with touching a woman’s G-Spot. Relation to the human anatomy aside, it was also mentioned in various critiques that the bananas used by Cameron and Comfort were most likely genetically engineered to suit human favor. Bananas found in the wild are often ugly and don’t have near the prostate milking power of a banana one might find in the grocery store.

Retraction of Theory

After being brutally humbled by the whole of the internet and their prostate milking venture realized, Comfort and Cameron sheepishly retracted their theory and stated that it was nothing more than a joke. While just about everyone knows it’s about the dumbest fucking thing anyone could possibly use as an argument against evolution, careless forum posters on religion and evolution boards worldwide still use it as evidence against evolution.

ID itself

The purpose of intelligent design, according to the Wedge Document, is:

“To defeat scientific materialism and its destructive moral, cultural, and political legacies”

“To replace materialistic explanations with the theistic understanding that nature and human beings are created by God”

If that sounds like it is motivated by religion and politics rather than science, then tack on “or aliens”, and move on.

ID relies on modern information theory. Information theory was developed by Claude Shannon of the Ba’al Telephone Company, and states that anything which conveys information has useful parts and redundant parts. For example “Congratulations sir, you are now a father!” could strip down on redundant parts and increase the information-conveying parts by changing it to “You are a father!” But, if we slightly rework the definition to state its obvious implication that information can only be added by an intelligent designer, we now have a solid law on which to base ID.

Human DNA contains large amounts of information, much in the same way that your freezer contains the information to create all kinds of crystal patterns in the ice of a freezing ice cube. After all, if your freezer didn’t contain this information, creating these patterns would be adding information, which requires a designer. This would mean that ice was God, which is logically impossible, quid pro quo. There is not a problem with the freezer containing information, since the freezer was made by people (a “designer”). Since human DNA contains information, and random processes cannot add information, an intelligent designer must have added this information. Most human DNA is “junk” or redundant DNA, but the Intelligent Designer just put that there as a test of faith – just like all the other proof that evolution is true.

Still not convinced? Let us look at things in a more scientific approach. The Second Law of Thermodynamics states that “in a closed system, all things tend toward entropy.” As DNA is enclosed in a cell, which is in turn enclosed in your body, which is in the world, and so on, we are looking at a highly closed system. Thus, things must always tend toward chaos in DNA. So you can see, if Evolution were not wrong, and DNA did evolve over time, we would not find evidence of so-called “Survival of the Fittest”; instead, we would only find evidence of entropy—whales being born with legs, fruit flies living twice their normal age in controlled experiments, and flowers speciating to the point where they can no longer crossbreed, ad hoc sic. No such things exist.

Other proofs that ID is an indisputable fact:

Evolution simply cannot be true because scientists’ minds can grasp it. The TRUE truth can only be understood by God the Intelligent Designer (one can see by the use of this term that there is no Christian dogma here and it is thus scientific).

Towering intellects say Intelligent Design should be taught in public schools.

Intelligent Design is not stupid, like SD, hence the name.

ID can withstand criticism from small-minded science bigots.

Modern-day miracles, such as Virgin Mary apparitions on toast.

Evolution takes carbon as the definitive reason for life, but the truth is that hodgepodge is.

Scientific Discoveries

The strongest evidence of ID’s validity as a scientific theory is the remarkably innovative and relatively new (about 4,000 years old perhaps) concept of “irreducible complexity”. An “irreducibly complex” trait is one that could not have evolved from a simpler form, but rather must have been created all at once, like this article. An irreducibly complex structure like a protein or an arch is one that proves the existence of an Intelligent Designer. We know that irreducibly complex traits exist, because they are predicted by the theory of Intelligent Design. Therefore, we can conclude that Intelligent Design must be true.

The smartest and most original way to phrase this is: “What good is half a(n) …..”. For example if I wanted to prove that it is impossible to create an arch by a slow, bit by bit process I would say: “What good is half an arch? An arch is either complete or it is nonexistent.”

Despite the overwhelming support for ID, certain fringe ‘scientists’ questioned if it was really possible to conclusively determine if a trait is irreducibly complex. In response to this, Behe devised an elegant and scientific protocol for identifying traits as being irreducibly complex or not: he would sit down and ponder, sometimes for minutes at a time, over how a particular trait could have evolved. After failing to think of a precise progression of DNA mutations, he would scientifically conclude that the trait is irreducibly complex. Today, almost every scientist in the world supports the concept of irreducible complexity. If large numbers of “scientists” disagree with Intelligent Design then those other scientists must be unreal scientists because we know that only scientists who agree with us are real scientists. There we’ve proved it.

As compelling as this evidence was, the evolutionerinists still demanded “proof”. During a routine walk on the beach, Behe made his most inspired discovery, one that would conclusively prove ID once and for all: he “discovered” a gold watch on the ground. Clearly, the myriad springs of gears in this watch could not have jumped up and formed themselves into a watch, at least not without the aid of alcoholic beverages. Clearly a watchmaker made the watch. Walking further, Behe also found a 757 Boeing airplane in the sand. He asked himself if such a thing result from natural occurrences. Clearly the answer is no, the watchmaker made the plane. Walking still further, Behe discovered a nuclear reactor in the sand. The only conclusion was that the watchmaker had built that too. A shoe? The watchmaker made it. A fish? Also made by the watchmaker. And even if you did find the watch on a beach full of a bunch of wriggling gears and watches with intermediary stages of functionality, you would assume that they, too, were made by the watchmaker, quod ad argumentum. So who made the watchmaker? The answer is obvious, the watchmaker made the watchmaker. You may try to logically argue against the “watchmaker analogy”. However, the portrait of Renee Descartes can be found on the analogy’s wikipedia article. Are you smarter than Renee Descartes? I didn’t think so.

Another important thing to note is to understand scientific lingo. Evolution is only a theory – therefore it’s not proven true. Just like Newton’s theory of gravity and Einstein’s special and generalized theories of relativity. It is worth noting that Galileo first came up with the ideas of relativity and gravity and the Catholic Church hated him. What more evidence do you need?”

The theory of Intelligent Design was apparently proven scientifically beyond all possible doubt by an unnamed scientist in 1994. Unfortunately, instead of immediately alerting current fourteen-term President and Christ figure Ronald Reagan, the scientist made the unfortunate decision of taking his theories to an evolutionary biologist for confirmation. After proceeding to the biologist’s ten-thousand acre manor estate, which, according to some reports, was infested with insolent talking household appliances, the scientist made his report to a figure later described as “shrouded in the blackest black shadow,” sitting behind a massive mahogany desk. After hearing what the scientist had to say, the biologist reportedly made a phone call to the Jew-Controlled Gay Loving Democrat Liberal Elite Media. Though the exact orders given by the JCGLDLEM remain unknown, the biologist spoke a single word and instantly the scientist was consumed and skeletonized by a swarm of lab-coat-garbed teacher’s assistants. The lone copy of the document that so absolutely and empirically proved ID was slowly burned by one of the biologist’s cigarettes, which were purportedly gold fringed and kept in a monogrammed, leather-bound and possibly jewel-encrusted case.

When asked to explain how they are privy to these events, Intelligent Designerists typically respond with “How are you privy to these events?” and make their escape in the resulting confusion. Note that this story explaining the lack of proof behind ID is not agreed upon by all ID advocates. Others assert that the scientist in question simply had the document stolen from him by a gang of passing Negros. A third group typically claims that “Proof is for communists. You’re not a communist, are you?”

Of course you’re not.

Teach the Truth

We all know that ID has absolutely nothing to do with religion; it’s all about letting children hear both sides of a genuine scientific debate. Other examples are shown in the image to the right. Here are some more examples:

Alchemy or chemistry

Magic or Physics

Astrology or astronomy

Phrenology or neurology

Spontaneous Generation or Biogenesis

Numerology or mathematics (for people from Cambridge)

Gravity or the Magnet Hypothesis

Heliocentric Theory or Geocentric Theory

Shamanism or evidence-based medicine

Expanding Earth or Plate Tectonics

Preformationism or Epigenesis

Spontaneous generation or cell theory

Reproduction through sex or stork theory.

The Big Bang or “heavens and the earth being created” by unspecified means “in the beginning” by “God”

Fire as being the transfer of phlogiston or the oxidation of reduced fuel

Heat as caloric release or Brownian motion

Describe light using the luminiferous aether or quantum mechanics

Describe gravity using the noodly appendages of the Flying Spaghetti Monster or general relativity

Earth carried on a giant turtle or Earth orbits the sun

Homeopathy or evidence-based medicine

Polytheism or idolatry

Crack or Crystal Meth

Criticisms from Small-Minded Science-Bigots

Although many reputable scientists around the world support the revolutionary and wonderfully original theory of intelligent design (unlike the ten or so who believe in evolution) some people can’t help but arguing against it. Thus, we present some sample responses to criticisms, which Behe has kindly donated in Question/Answer format.

Argument 1

Darwinist: Isn’t Intelligent Design just Creationism in disguise?

IDist: No! This is one of the biggest misconceptions about ID and to lump it in with creationism is nothing short of fallacy. Creationism is the notion that life did not evolve by natural means but instead was created by an intelligent being. Intelligent Design on the other hand, states that… Crap, can I start over?

Argument 2

Darwinist: About this information theory business… Are you saying that the Creator put more information into our genes than he even possessed? Stated another way: If we are so complex that we must have been engineered by a space alien, is it not true that the Creator would also have been pretty damned complex? Doesn’t that mean that the Creator must have been created by another Creator? And what about the Creator’s Creator’s Creator?

IDist: The ultimate creator exists without beginning, something that the Universe can’t do, because of a fundamental premise which you can read about in my upcoming book ($39.95 at Amazon.com). However, I should warn you, the road to Hell is paved with questions of good intention.

Argument 3

Darwinist: What makes you think the design was intelligent? Really it’s not; just look around you. Think of ladies vaginas. Yes you’re thinking, and looking imagining. They’re not very good for making babies are they? You think they are. There’s all those hard pelvic bones. It’s not good to squeeze against them. You think it’s very nice to squeeze up to them. Well the trouble is,… what happens when the babies are born. When the wife was having our first, stop thinking about my wife that way! The baby’s head had to push through all those pelvic bones. And it hurts the mother and the baby as well probably. Any Intelligent Designer must be a sadist. And if the baby’s head is too big to get through the pelvic opening both mother and baby can die. Look please try and stop thinking about ladies vaginas for a moment and try and listen to what I am saying.

How about the ocelot, Jar Jar Binks, llama, koala or the back-to-front human retina? No reasonable person can seriously believe someone intelligent designed these animals. Above all, how can it possibly be intelligent to design men with hairy asses?

IDist: Richard Dawkins proved evolution was bunk and Intelligent Design a fact in his book “Tumbling Down Mount Improbable”, wherein he asserts that “given the existence of mosquitoes, tornadoes, infidelity, and war, it should be clear to any television-consuming being that the universe was designed by a God who is desperate for entertainment.”If Dawkins believed in this, you don’t need things like Unintelligent Design.

Argument 4

Darwinist: Surely this is more a question of theology rather than of science? If a school in Kansas wants to teach this alternative “theory” shouldn’t they be doing so in a Religious Education lesson? Shouldn’t science get to stick some stickers on religious texts saying “the information within this publication is not supported by certain facts established from the rigorous scientific confirmation of empirical data”?

IDist: School kids are going to be indoctrinated with something, so it might as well be something that any high-school dropout would agree is science. In fact, I hold here a letter signed by over eight thousand high school dropouts attesting that it is.

Intelligent Design in the Classroom

In recent years, the ongoing bias in science classes towards scientific explanations has reached unacceptable levels. Studies show that science teachers stubbornly refuse to teach ID. Instead, students are forced to hear only one side of the issue in their science classes: the one presented by “scientists”.

The Intelligent Design movement was formed as a response to this pervasive bias in our children’s education. First appearing near Austin, Texas, the Intelligent Designerists overthrew that state’s educational system—a triumph for Christ (or whatever aliens or other beings may have designed life). Further victories were had in the intelligentest and most forward-thinking states: Kansas and Georgia. The goal of the ID movement is to ensure that children are not exposed only to science in science class, but to ALL classes of ideas, so long as those ideas are held by televangelists and other proponents of ID, especially if they’re from the Oral Roberts has a Big Mouth Party. Also, their rules only apply to the theory of evolution by natural selection and not to any other scientific theory, law, or concept because, panem et circenses, natural selection is so unfair and discriminates against people who are unfit.

Practical education of intelligent design takes from genetic engineering, here the teacher will inject his intelligent genes to the pupils and the average intelligence of the pupils will rise as a function of time.

Copyright Issues

Certain proponents of ID claim that creation happened only 69 years ago and that copyright subsists in all attributes of the Intelligent Design. This notion is advanced by the patentholder—a company called SCO, who also holds the patents for planets Saturn and Pluto and the recipe for water and the patent for sex in the 69 position. SCO has ID lawyers working feverishly to prevent cloning on the basis that this would be a breach of copyright.

Intelligent design outside of biology

Intelligent design isn’t just limited to biology – many other scientific discoveries contradict what’s written in the Bible too, including: The location of the earth in the universe, the shape of the earth, the creation of the earth and the sun, and even the “scientifically-correct” value of pi. These issues are addressed in the new field of ID called “Intelligent Science”.

Chemistry is a good candidate for destruction by IS. As any relativist will tell you, the theory that the moon is a quarter of the size of the earth and is a million miles away is on a par with the theory that the moon is a calabash tossed into the sky, hanging only just out of reach above the treetops.

Following from that “logic”, we can say that the theory that a benzene molecule is a flat hexagon of six carbon atoms and a delocalized central electron ring is on a par with the theory that consuming the philosopher’s stone with a glass of tonic will give one eternal life. So it follows that alchemy is as valid, maybe even more valid, than chemistry, acta est fabula plaudite.

It is important that children hear all sides of a scientific debate and the discovery, which took human scientists 40 years to work out (1825 – 1865) that benzene is cyclical, is just as important as the mystical realization of the existence of a magical rock that grants eternal life. Clearly the latter seems more important (eternal life versus cyclic hydrocarbons), but design proponents believe in fairness.

Hence it was decided by Tony Blair that alchemy should be a mandatory part of the British National Curriculum (just like religious education is). New O-level (now known as Occult level) alchemy textbooks have been introduced and will be used in parallel with Of Pandas and People to teach 6th graders science. Since 99.9% of non-Chinese students study psychology, this won’t have much of an effect.

Proponents of intelligent design were also able to petition a Pokemon game based on intelligent design, due to the multiple references to evolution in the game. In their new version, entitled Pokemon Mauve, your Pokemon doesn’t evolve, but rather, you intelligently design it to improve its stats. How this is different from training it normally has yet to be decided.

How to Talk to a Scientist – If You Must

When people want to argue with you that “real” science is used every day to do things like cure diseases or make genetically-enhanced grains, you need to know how to put them in their place.

Say things like “Well if you remember chemistry, that just disproves evolution.”

Remind them that evolution and Intelligent Design are both “theories.” Compare Einstein’s Generalized Theory of Relativity to the theory that Michael Jackson’s cat is the reincarnation of Elvis Presley. One theory is as good as another, so both should be taught.

Remind them that God loves you and hates them, which makes you better and more qualified to make scientific judgments.

Tell them if they don’t believe in ID they probably also don’t believe in heaven and if there’s no heaven then, well, i mean fucking hell we are all going to die.

Drown them out by shouting that you get your information from “a higher authority.”

Tell them that in this post-modern world of relativism, people need to be taught that things are not always as they seem. I mean, if the guys from Depeche Mode are married to women, you really can’t prove or disprove anything, tempus edax rerum.

Dazzle ’em with science: The growing, irrefutable body of knowledge about DNA is a gold mine for proponents of Intelligent Design. Paul Davies, a researcher and professor of physics at the University of Queensland and at the Australian Center for Astrobiology at Macquarie University, says: “Just as the sequence of letters in an instruction manual is independent of the chemistry of the paper and ink, so the ‘letters’ in DNA — which make up the information — are independent of the chemical properties of nucleic acid.” This will confuse the lay person who believes in “science” and make them give up talking to you. You will win the argument by default.

Tell them the Second Law of Thermodynamics makes evolution impossible and try to sound really serious when you say it and then point out that all scientists say this all the time and it’s an undisputed fact.

Show them movies of apes doing gross, disgusting things, like the YouTube movie of a Gorilla licking his [bleep] in the zoo. Nobody wants to be related to filthy embarrassing animals (even if drunk human rock-stars or intern-hungry televangelists do the same things as the apes).

Show them studies proving that believing in evolution makes you a hippie commie liberal. If that fails, accuse them of atheism. (This isn’t so effective outside the US, because atheists don’t face resentment and persecution in other places in the civilized world. Tell them they are French instead – they’re hated the world over. If it’s a French person you’re speaking to, tell them they’re un Anglo-Saxone.)

Try to sound elucidated. Pleonastic prose to comment on the antimony between ID and evolution suggests that you majored in a relevant field instead of citing from a pamphlet that you found on a table in your church. If one works Latin into their conversation, they sound well versed in donus caput ad equos tactics of debate, and thus seem like someone who is well educated on what they’re talking about.

Demand that the scientist explain human evolution starting with principles of string theory and quantum mechanics. Become irate if he/she mentions limits of human knowledge (“How do you expect me to believe in evolution if it has obvious gaps in knowledge?”) or talks over your head (“How do you expect me to believe in evolution if it is this complicated?”).

Use a back of an envelope probability calculation. For example, try this one out. A human body consists of about 5*10^28 atoms. The presence of a single atom in a human body ultimately occurred because of either intelligent design (probability of ½) or evolution (probability of ½). To reasonable people giving this high of a probability to evolution is unwarranted, but we are talking to close-minded scientists here so we must be generous. If we now consider the probability of all of those atoms coming together due to evolution, the probability would be 1/2^5*10^28 which is approximately 10^-15,015,499,783,199,100,000,000,000,000. This probability is so incredibly small that we can conclude with certainty that evolution couldn’t happen. Make sure you walk away from the scientist immediately after using your probability calculation because it’s pointless arguing math with someone who doesn’t understand it.

Future strategies

Having exhausted attempts at scientific explanations, each one having been ripped to pieces by the scientific community, the ID movement is now considering a new approach – fecundism. The Discovery Institute’s new slogan is “If we can’t beat ’em, out breed ’em”, hence condoms and abortion are now banned among Jesus lovers. Their calculations indicate that if each Christian couple have only four children they will be in power in 50 years. If they have eight children, they may be in power in 20 years. The Allah-worshipers are already doing this.


4 Anthropic principal (32:32): Cosmology & the 47 characteristics.

Quantum Murphydynamics (QMD) is the quantum mechanical formulation of Murphy’s Law. Although it is similar to Quantum Electrodynamics (QED) and Quantum Chromodynamics (QCD), its explanatory power is far greater. The undeniable elegance of QMD arises from the theory’s single, simple premise:

“The quantum mechanical wavefunctions must always collapse in the most inconvenient manner possible.”

Never stand directly under a wavefunction, or it will collapse on your head.

Quantum Mechanical Basis

According to Quantum Mechanics (QM), everything exists in a haze of probability until we actually observe it (see Uncertainty Principle). The relative probabilities of various alternatives actualizing when we observe a quantum system are encapsulated in the system’s wavefunction. This means that the elementary particles goof off, ride around on scooters, sprout wings, and sing like the Looney Tunes frog while we’re not watching them, and then “wave” at us and laugh when we try to observe them. For years, quantum physicists have attempted to determine what actually happens when we observe a quantum system. The physicists know that the wavefunction “collapses” and one of the possibilities encapsulated in the wavefunction becomes reality — but what controls which possibility is “chosen”? QMD answers this questions by proposing that the most inconvenient possibility is the one that actualizes.

The Elementary Mechanisms of QMD

Albert Einstein, who did not like playing dice with the universe, proposed that there are Local Hidden Variables — magical elves, the Easter Bunny, George Bush, etc. — that determine the collapse of wavefunctions. QMD proposes that in fact, Inconvenience is the single Local Hidden Variable at play in the universe.


QMD requires every elementary particle to carry a Murphy Charge, as measured in Standard Inconvenience (SI) units. Unlike in QED or QCD, the charges in QMD are always unbalanced. This imbalance of charges can result in a powerful attractive force, termed the Murphy Force, between objects (such as Ketchup and white shirts, which attract each other in a way that is unaccounted for by any of the traditional four forces of nature).


If a collection of elementary particles happens to come together such that the Murphy Charges do balance out, the collection spontaneously decouples from the surrounding matter and vanishes into the eleventh dimension. This frequently happens to socks in the dryer, due to the rapid rate at which particles are whirled around. Therefore, if you wish to recover your sock, you must stick a ten-dimensional plunger up a Calabi-Yau manifold. Note that in this specific case, which has been extensively studied, it has been found that the length of the spin cycle is directly linked to the spin of the subatomic particles involved. This, in turn, affects the Murphy Force, and hence the probability of the socks vanishing. For example, socks are more likely to vanish in the dryer in the presence of morons, subatomic particles with a spin of “dizzying”.

The Murphy Force between two entities can be calculated as follows:


where F is the Murphy Force, M is the Universal Murphy Constant (as measured in murphs), C1 and C2 are the Murphy Charges of the entities, and L is the level of convenience (from the point of view of the observer) of the attractive force.


QMD features broken T (Temporal) symmetry, meaning that the laws of physics are not the same at all times under QMD. This stems from the obvious fact that inconvenient events always occur at the most inconvenient times (e.g. the photocopier only jams when you are late for a meeting). Since QMD conserves overall CPT (Charge-Parity-Time) symmetry, the broken T symmetry also implies broken CP (Charge-Parity, or Completely-Preposterous, or Confusing-Puzzling) symmetry. If you are getting excited about the broken CP symmetry, you are probably an obsessed physicist.

Applications to Quantum Cosmology

QMD is in keeping with the observer-dependent nature of quantum mechanics, since the relative inconvenience of each possibility clearly depends on who is observing the quantum system. QMD goes even further, stating that the collapse of the wavefunctions also depends upon observers of the observer via a chain of interactions. For example, Ketchup is even more likely to end up on your white shirt if your boss is observing you at the company picnic. Since there are also observers of the observer of the observer, and so on ad infinitum, QMD can be expanded into a theory of quantum cosmology that encompasses the entire universe.


The ability to encompass macroscopic scales also allows QMD to explain the infamous Second Law of Thermodynamics. This Law states that the Entropy (i.e. chaos) of an isolated system naturally increases with time. Hence, if you don’t clean up your messy desk, it will only get messier — by itself. Clearly, it would be much more convenient if things were the other way around; in fact, accomplished physicists such as Stephen Hawking have often speculated on why the so-called “Entropic Arrow of Time” points in the direction that it does. QMD provides the answers, as a universe in which chaos naturally decreased with time would be far too convenient.

Implications for Relativity

As a theory that encompasses macroscopic as well as microscopic scales, QMD must be compatible with Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. In order to achieve this compatibility, an important modification must be made to Relativity.


In the original formulation of General Relativity, light follows “geodesics”, where a “geodesic” is defined as the shortest route between two points in spacetime. In spacetime that is not flat, these geodesics appear as curves rather than as straight lines. QMD requires modifications to this paradigm, such that the concept of a “geodesic” is replaced by the concept of a “shortcut”. A “shortcut” is defined as the longest route between two points in spacetime. (This concept is intuitively obvious to anyone who has attempted to take a shortcut and then ended up in the middle of nowhere.) Elementary particles attempt to follow “shortcuts” and therefore take convoluted paths through the universe. Similarly, men who never stop to ask for directions attempt to follow “shortcuts” and therefore take convoluted paths through the universe.

Implications for Particle Physics

Unlike gravity, the strong force, and the electroweak force (which have carrier particles), the Murphy Force is carried by unparticles. These unparticles arise from scale invariance in conformal field theory and weakly couple to normal matter. One unparticle actually corresponds to a random, fractional number of normal particles. Unparticles hardly interact with normal matter at all, but interact with the matter just enough to give the quantum wavefunctions a little push, causing them to collapse in the most inconvenient manner possible. (Unparticles actually have a very large mass, which is why the wavefunctions tend to collapse underneath them.) Unparticles travelling between the observer and the quantum system are what carry the information regarding which outcome would be most inconvenient for the observer.


The propagator for an unparticle is as follows:

I (A * d) / (2PI) * (-g^w + P^u * P^v / P^2) / (sin(d * PI)) * (-P^2 -i*e)^d -2

where d represents the (non-integer) number of particles that the unparticle corresponds to, g is the local gravitational field strength, P is probability of interacting with normal matter, u is the Murphy Charge of the observer, v is the Murphy Charge of the observed system, w = u * v, and A is a transverse 4-vector of complete and utter nonsense.

The unparticles of QMD can decay into other subatomic particles. The most common product of unparticle decay is the moron. Everyone understands intuitively that there are an awful lot of morons floating around (like in the White House) and that they must come from somewhere, but only QMD can provide the quantitative details. Specifically, the equations of QMD lead to the inescapable and well-known conclusion that morons tend to appear out of the quantum foam at the most inconvenient possible places and times. Morons are a type of bozo, which is a reformulated version of the Standard Model boson.


Unparticles can also decay into other subatomic particles, depending on which subatomic particle would be most inconvenient for the observer. Occasionally, huge numbers of unparticles simultaneously decay into antimatter particles, causing inconvenient explosions. These explosions are often (incorrectly) attributed to other causes (e.g. barbecuers). At nuclear sites such as Chernobyl, huge numbers of unparticles have a tendency to create intense neutrino beams through a particularly inconvenient decay process. These neutrino beams can then strike fissile material and set off a gigantic nuclear explosion. Recently, physicists have been researching the possibility of intentionally creating such neutrino beams as a nuclear counter-weapon. However, whether or not these efforts will ultimately succeed depends upon how inconvenient such a success would, or would not, prove to be.

Unparticle decay can even result in the creation of quantum black holes. The tendency of black holes to pop out of the quantum foam is the best explanation ever put forward for the remarkable proliferation of bureaucracies in the universe. Anyone who has ever dealt with a bureaucracy / black hole, such a tax agency, knows how inconvenient this can be. In addition, when an observer is searching for an object (e.g. car key, Remote control, etc.) it is often the case that the object has in fact vanished down a quantum black hole. The probability of a black hole appearing out of the quantum foam and swallowing up an object is directly proportional to how important it is to the observer that the object be found. Unparticles can also push objects to disappear directly into the quantum foam, releasing quanta of cheese, without the involvement of a black hole (see Uncertainty Principle) providing this process is inconvenient enough. Furthermore, objects can decay into dark matter with unparticles as an intermediary. Needless to say, once objects have decayed into dark matter, they are never seen again.


The Standard Model of particle physics features 6 flavours of quark (up, down, charmed, strange, truth, and beauty). QMD predicts the existence of a seventh flavour, designated “stinky”, and an eighth flavour, designated “sour”. Via flavour-changing interactions, quarks of other flavours tend to spontaneously decay into stinky and/or sour quarks, wherever and whenever is most inconvenient for the observer. (The initially unexplained appearance of stinky cheeses in certain versions of Quantum cheddardynamics was in fact due to this flavour-changing interaction, and was an early indication that QCD was an incomplete theory. It is interesting to note that sour milk as a precursor to stinky cheese is well-explained in QMD.) Hence, when a large collection of matter (i.e. milk or gym shorts) is left alone in a confined area for a prolonged period of time (i.e. in a fridge or gym locker), the large number of particles that have decayed into stinky and/or sour quarks results in an unfortunate smell and/or taste. Once the quarks are allowed to disperse out of the area, the smell quickly subsides. Regarding anti-quarks, a baryon assymetry that spontaneously developed shortly after the Big Bang has resulted in anti-truth and anti-beauty quarks popping up far more frequently than anti-sour and anti-stinky quarks. The baryon assymetry stemmed from complicated weak force and neutral current flavour-changing interactions, but in short, it would be far too convenient if things were the other way around.

Extra Dimensions

QMD features seven compactified extra dimensions (i.e. extra dimensions that are rolled up really, really small, such that we cannot detect them.) Our inability to detect these extra dimensions is, of course, very inconvenient. QMD also features multi-dimensional, membrane-like objects, similar to those found in string theory. A membrane-like object with an arbitrary number (p) of dimensions is referred to as a p-brane, or pea-brain, which can be every bit as inconvenient as a moron. A p-brane can wrap around one or more of the compactified extra dimensions, explaining why pea-brains can be so difficult to get rid of.


QMD also features a large, warped extra dimension, which roughly corresponds to the warped sense of humour of proponents of the theory. The large extra dimension of QMD is similar to the extra dimension found in RS (Randall Sundrum, or Really Silly) theories of particle physics.


When the seven compactified extra dimensions and the large warped extra dimension are added to the traditional three spatial dimensions plus time, the total number of dimensions comes to 12. To bring the number to 13 — an unlucky number, and hence very inconvenient — QMD also features an extra time dimension. No one actually understands what this extra dimension does, but it makes the math work out (see String Theory). Watch out for morons traveling sideways in time.

Advanced Quantum Mechanical Properties

A hot topic in recent quantum mechanics research is the concept of so-called backwards causation. This is the idea that future events may actually affect present or past events, through the weird mechanisms of quantum mechanics. Obsessed quantum physicists have spent much time and effort designing strange experiments like delayed-choice quantum erasers to investigate backwards causation — but the answer in fact lies with QMD. The quantum wavefunctions collapse in the manner that ultimately turns out to be most inconvenient — even if this does not seem so inconvenient at the time. Clearly, this requires future events to affect past events, and hence, backwards causation actually enters quantum mechanics through QMD. Research into time travel is therefore linked to research into QMD. QMD also explains why time travel paradoxes are so incredibly annoying.


Another hot topic in modern quantum physics is quantum entanglement, which involves the propensity for any string-like objects (large balls of yarn, necklaces, etc.) to spontaneously become hopelessly tangled. This is, of course, very inconvenient, and is hence naturally understood in the framework of QMD. (The propensity for string theory to become a hopelessly tangled mess of mathematical nonsense is an entirely different phenomenon, although QMD certainly does have something to say about string theory — see the later sections of this article.) According to QMD, any system composed of string-like objects will naturally achieve at least some level of entanglement. This minimum level of entanglement, which increases with the rage of the observer, is referred to as Entanglement of Minimum Bull-**** Entropy, or EMBE. Many quantum physicists are researching quantum entanglement in hopes of someday building a large-scale commercial quantum teleporter, quantum computer, or quantum encryption system. However, according to QMD, such attempts will inevitably fail, since success in building such pieces of technology would be far too convenient.

The Power of QMD

It is believed that the failure of modern theoretical physics to take Murphy’s Law into account is responsible for the incompatibility between Quantum Mechanics and General Relativity. This is, of course, because it would be convenient for these two theories to fit together properly, so according to QMD they cannot fit together. (Some people blame Gravity for the previous failures to build a successful unification theory, but these people are just wrong.) When QMD has been studied further, it holds the potential to unite quantum mechanics and general relativity under a single explanatory framework — a Theory of everything. This would pit QMD supporters against the jealous and crazed string theorists and plunge the entire planet into World War III. Naturally, this is the most inconvenient possible outcome of theoretical physics.

The Big Question in QMD Research

Currently, much of the ongoing research in the field of QMD is aimed at answering one Big Question: If QMD really does provide a comprehensive framework for all of modern physics, is this so convenient that QMD cannot in fact exist, by QMD’s own laws of inconvenience? This question clearly has the potential to turn into a minefield worse than any Time Travel Paradox.


Several possible answers have been proposed:

1. A comprehensive framework for all of modern physics would actually be very inconvenient for many theoretical physicists, who would lose their jobs.

2. The problem can be solved by renormalization. No one knows what this would actually do… but hey, it works in other quantum field theories.

3. The problem can be solved by adding an extra compactified dimension. No one knows what this would actually do… but hey, it works in String Theory.

4. The problem can be explored by building a giant particle accelerator. No one knows what this would actually accomplish… but hey, it works for the Large Hadron Collider.

5. There is in fact a terrible paradox. The existence of such a paradox is very inconvenient, and is therefore perfectly consistent with QMD.

6. The existence of five different, competing proposals is clearly very inconvenient, and is therefore perfectly consistent with QMD. (Even the string theorists eventually got fed up with having five different proposals in a theory, after all.)


5 Axiological proof (39:48): Objective morality.

Morals are an overated incentive to behave well. The incentive is that when you die you will have a large group of meaty virgins you can screw for all eternity. There is an obvious problem that one month after you arrive in heaven all your virgins will be, well, devirginised. A rather less obvious problem is whether the virgins find it heavenly to be deflowered by you. And futhermore, heaven seems to exclude gay men and straight women.

Morals are only available to hard line religious fundamentalists because atheists believe that Athe does not let them into heaven.

Morals are actually given to us mere mortals by whichever particular God we happen to worship. Here is an example of a Christian, whom we shall call Brian Flemming, protesting a program in which an atheist claims she does in fact have a strong moral conviction:

“You’ve definitely got some nerve. I’d love to take a knife, gut you fools, and scream with joy as your insides spill out in front of you. You are attempting to ignite a holy war in which some day I, and others like me, may have the pleasure of taking action like the above mentioned.

However, GOD teaches us not to seek vengeance, but to pray for those like you all.

I’ll get comfort in knowing that the punishment GOD will bring to you will be 1000 times worse than anything I can inflict. The best part is that you WILL suffer for eternity for these sins that you’re completely ignorant about. The wrath of GOD will show no mercy. For your sake, I hope the truth is revealed to you before the knife connects with your flesh. Merry CHRISTMAS!!!”

Some people may protest that threatening to cut somebody’s chest open to cause their “insides” to fall out, and then telling that person that the very God that advocates these morals will inflict punishment 1000 times worse than a human can is not an example of very moralistic behavior; from the man who said this, or from God. The person who wrote this has since clarified that the sentence “However, GOD teaches us not to seek vengeance, but to pray for those like you all” was the sentence demonstrating the individual’s moral convictions, and the rest of it was written while he was drunk.


6 Christ’s resurrection (48:24): The Resurrection.

It was as the subtle, burning glances of His onlooking Roman captors, the remorsefully sullen followers became more stricken with terror, fright, and penance that Zombie Jesus returned to this world, forcing his broken, tired limbs, blood-stained from the mortal wounds he had suffered, to pull his undead carcass from the rough hewn Cross so that he might seek the most appropriate Earthly sustenance deserved of the sacrificed son of God: a crimson river of Flesh and Brains to satiate his heavenly hunger.


After dying, Jesus was raised from the dead and once more walked among the living. This, of course, would only be possible if he were a zombie; Zombie Jesus is the identity of Jesus following the Resurrection. In zombie form, Jesus retained his unending love for mankind, in particular, he loved their sweet, delectable brains. Many of his followers were surprised when, instead of offering God’s salvation, Zombie Jesus voraciously consumed their faces.

Today, it is widely believed that Jesus was the source of most modern-day zombies. When he was resurrected, Zombie Jesus infected his disciples with the blood of the new “Holy Alliance”, thus creating the first wave of a whole new era of zombie mayhem, which would spread terror on a level unseen since the infection of a cadre of elite Greek philosophers by Zombie Plato several centuries before. This new batch of zombies was later able to develop the Roman Catholic Church, after the political elite of the Roman Empire were zombified by Alberto the Great (who was actually a zombie-vampire hybrid created by Constantine with the help of his right hand man, Albert Einstein). It is widely known that the modern Catholic Church is full of zombies, with its highest position of authority occupied by a hive-mind zombie-vampire referred to as the “Zombie Pope”.

Teachings and Acts of Zombie Jesus

Zombie Jesus’ words and acts are recorded in one of the apocryphal books (books which were not included in the New Testament by the Catholic Church), the “Book of Brains”. The most famous part of the “Book of Brains” is the “Parable of the Brains”, in which Zombie Jesus spoke unto the assembled masses: “Braaaiiins…. braaaiiinnnss… braaaaiinss!!” (in the original Greek of the Gospel, “μυαλό…. μυααααλό…. μυααααλό!!!”).

He also coined the phrase “turn the other cheek so I can eat the other side of your brains!”

Defeating Zombie Jesus

Unlike the common zombie or the common Jesus, Zombie Jesus is notoriously difficult to put down. The garden-variety zombie can be killed by a shovel to the brain, but only the Soviets (or an army of Tyrannosaurs with severely agitated polar bears for arms) could theoretically defeat Zombie Jesus. The Soviets had massive amounts of nuclear waste after the Warm War, so they decided to dump it all over the world. Some time after his resurrection, while shuffling around looking for delectable brains, Zombie Jesus stumbled into a pit of radioactive waste dumped by the Soviets. It instantly absorbed him and mutated him, causing a substantial growth in size and the eruption of tentacles from his sides. This is how the first Kraken was created. Although no longer a zombie, Zombie Jesus Kraken still had a craving for brains and continued terrorizing an unsuspecting and unprepared Earth in search of them. He lived as a Kraken for many years, but only managed to produce a small number of Krakenlings, which can most likely be attributed to the undead nature of his reproductive system. The small size of his brood is the direct cause of our lack of ship-devouring monsters in the modern day, forcing us instead to watch them sink after hitting an iceberg or something equally as lame and James-Cameron-boner-inducing. After some years of being a Kraken, Zombie Jesus swam into a large deposit of radioactive waste dumped into the ocean by the Soviets. He was mutated back into the form of a man, but was was quickly killed by a Nazi. Despite having lived as a Messiah, a zombie, and a Kraken, he was still a Jew, and Nazis hate Jews.

He naturally re-rose from the dead as a zombie three days later to continue his endless slaughter (this occasion is celebrated by Zombie Easter, in which people put up decorations of the Zombie Easter Bunny). When his terrified victims voiced their doubt that Zombie Jesus could have returned yet again, he offered to let them feel the shovel-shaped hole in his skull. Their disbelief assuaged, Zombie Jesus happily ate their faces off.

Zombie Jesus was defeated again in 1369 AD when he was tricked by a priest into consuming a host. After being informed he had just consumed his own body, Zombie Jesus vanished in a puff of brain dust.

Scientologists, however, believe this was a coincidence, and that instead, the Undead Savior was blown up by some method, scattering his essence throughout the atmosphere. If this is the case, it is likely that the eventual incorporation of his molecules into every living thing gave rise to the saying that “Zombie Jesus lives in all of our hearts.”….or that the inhalation of a formerly undead savior will cause breathing complications.

It seems likely that if the Scientologists’ claim is to be believed, Zombie Jesus may have been killed by an apple pie, the polar opposite of zombie. However, the only kind of apple pie that Zombie Jesus is not resistant to is Satan’s Apple Pie, which was lost after Zombie Jesus was killed. There is no evidence for this claim, and when asked, Satan responded, “What the hell are you talking about? Get the hell out of… hell!”

The Third Coming of Zombie Jesus was in 1945, when he dropped from the skies onto Japan – often mistaken as the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima. After a brief street brawl with Godzilla, he went on to try conquer Kentucky, USA, in a feeble attempt to discover KFC’s secret ingredient. After stopping in New Mexico for a Taco break, a fight with Optimus Prime (5th president of the USA) led them both to fly into outer space and collide into Pluto. This in turn made the planet move 10,000,000 miles backwards and it apparent reduction in size led astronomers to degrade it to a “dwarf planet” – much the the shame of Walt Disney. Zombie Jesus has yet to be heard of since.

Will Zombie Jesus rise yet again? Only time may tell.

The fourth coming of Zombie Jesus was recent. He left his mark on an Amazon Kindle book called The Sword and the Dragon by M.R.Mathias. His one star review stated exactly the opposite of the actual contents of said book and it went on to become a massive bestseller. Zombie Jesus was pleased, for his message was passed on in those pages. He was thrilled by this happening and celebrated by becoming an alley dwelling crack head somewhere on the streets of New York. Some days you can see him promoting the apocalypse on the corner with his sandwich board sign. Others… Well on other days he is unreachable.

Zombie Jesus in popular culture

Zombie Jesus is commemorated in the popular Jesusmas song, Away in a Graveyard:

Away in a graveyard, a stone overhead

The zombie lord Jesus is raised from the dead

The bones and the corpses are at his command

And rise like their master to swarm o’er the land!

The women are screaming, then running away

Poor Mary and Martha are gnawed where they lay

I fear thee, lord Jesus, your curséd undeath

With worms in your bowels and rot on your breath.

Have mercy, lord Jesus, don’t eat me today

Next year I’ll be bigger, I promise! I pray

Some shaman or rabbi or priestess or such

Will stake you and save us from your deadly touch.

Vampire Jesus?

Some theologians and religious scholars have argued that certain translations of the Gospel, as well as some parts of other translations, point to the possibility that Jesus came back not as a zombie, but as a vampire. If this is true, certain parts of the Gospel that seemed a bit odd could be easily explained – such as his tendency to sleep in tombs, and Luke 9:60 “Leave the dead to bury their own dead”. Also, Vampire Jesus was not killed by a shovel in the head, as his head was not actually completely removed, and his apparent desire to have his followers drink his blood (something zombies have no taste for, as they can’t chew it). This would also explain the inherent fear of crosses that all vampires seem to have.

“the power of me compells me” vampire Jesus


Judas is often portrayed as being the very essence of evil by many Christians. However, it is apparent to the intelligent population that Judas was in fact the original vampire slayer and the ancestor of Simon Belmont. With the help of his greatest friend and ally Ponchos Pilot, Judas was able to defeat Vampire Jesus following his resurrection. The vampire slayer whip, which played a crucial role in the defeat of Vampire Jesus, was actually crafted by a distant relative of Jesus named Jewsus who always had a burning hatred for the devilish carpenter.

The debate over whether Jesus came back as a zombie or a vampire caused yet another schism in the Christian Church, and forming two new Christian denominations: Zombie Christians and Vampire Christians. About half of the population of Vampire Christians claim that they converted because “Vampires are just so much more awesome than zombies”. These people were insane, of course. Zombies are far superior.

In recent decades there has been a movement to reconcile the two factions by declaring that Jesus was both zombie and vampire. This can best be seen with the song “Days of Swine and Roses” by My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult which has as part of its chorus the words “Christian Zombie Vampires”.


Don’t even get me started on werewolf Jesus.

The Easter Bunny vs Zombie Jesus

A small sect of the internet (ie. One Person) follows the belief that the Easter Bunny is the sole reason that Zombie Jesus has not brought about a zombie apocalypse yet. This belief system, called Lapinism, seeks to explain the non-Jesus related themes of easter, such as pastel eggs and chocolate rabbits, by using 20th Century American action movie logic. Every year, on Easter, Zombie Jesus rises from the grave, meant to bring about a cleansing of the human race through cannibalistic acts. The only one opposing Zombie Jesus in this is the Easter Bunny. The Easter Bunny uses a vast arsenal of weaponry, including Pastel painted grenades (which is what brought about hiding eggs, in an attempt to fool Zombie Jesus into thinking these are grenades), helps him drive Zombie Jesus back to his grave, which magically changes places every year. The most memorable fight between these two formidable opponents took place in a chocolate factory, where the Easter Bunny made a full size chocolate replica of himself to confuse Zombie Jesus, which is why we now have chocolate rabbits every Easter.



7 Self authenticated proof of God (48:28): Bob Himself.

God, (who also goes by the aliases Yahweh, Allah and Jehovah to evade debt collectors) is the supreme Holy Lord. He is perhaps best known for creating all of existence, with the exception of Himself, unicorns, the Loch Ness Monster, Big Foot, and Devil’s food cake. He is burdened with the unfathomable responsibility of sustaining the vital equilibria that allow life to continue, such as answering prayers, starting wars, ending wars and making stars twinkle. Despite this responsibility, God Himself shoehorns these important tasks into the corner whenever an important sports game or horse race is on, as He is the universe’s most notorious compulsive gambler.

The First Bet and Creation of the Universe

Just before Creation, on the night preceding October 23, 4004 B.C., God was sitting at a non-existent table playing a non-existent game of poker with several other non-existent deities. After losing a bundle in the Celestial Poker Game, Satan, aka the Devil aka Monty, bet God that He (God) couldn’t gather more souls than he (Satan) could. God, being a notorious gambler, instantly took the bet, and the deal was done. According to an account by Archbishop James Ussher, 17th century Primate of All Ireland, this was widely thought to be a “sucker’s bet” as there were no souls to be had. The best God could do would be a tie (0 souls to 0 souls), which by the nature of the bet would mean a loss for Him. But the inveterate gambler God went to work creating a universe in which said souls could exist and be gathered.

In just six days, God created the heaven and the earth, sun and moon, stars, puppies, kittens, death cap mushrooms and fake dinosaur bones. On the seventh day, God rested in order to watch football as He had a tenner on the big game. Satan, on the other hand, got busy collecting souls. This is why Satan still leads the bet to this day, and why sports teams never pray to him. It’s also why Godly people never capitalize his pronouns.

The First People: Adam & Eve

God created the first man Adam from the dust of the ground mixed with God’s spittle, and placed him in a magical garden in Eden, Nevada (now known as Las Vegas, Nevada). Satan hedged his bet by making a woman, telling God “prancing about a garden all day gets kind of boring.” But God discovered Lilith was soulless, so He denied her existence, kicked her out of the Garden, and made Eve.

God then bet Satan that he couldn’t get Adam and his sex-changed cloned sister Eve to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge. To protect His bet, God had previously told Adam, “thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.” (Gen. 2:17). This became known as the First Divine Lie.

Satan, on the other hand, told the always-naked siblings the naked Truth. He said, “Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.” (Gen. 3:4-5). At the prospect of becoming gods, the naked Adam and Eve could no longer suppress their primal urges. They started eating the fruit like vicious wild animals. This became known as the First Dinner Party.

God was so furious at losing the bet, He blasted the garden into desert. Still furious, He ripped off Satan’s arms and legs. But Satan survived, saying, “It’s only a flesh wound.” Satan slithered off, becoming the first serpent and gaining the nickname “Monty Python.” Because of His actions, God became the first Crime Boss.

Having eaten from the tree of knowledge, Adam and Eve became aware of certain things. For one thing, they noticed that the genitals God had given them were “fucking ugly.” They promptly used fig leaves to cover up. They also discovered that God had already created humans in Genesis 1, so they weren’t really the first people after all. Upon pointing this out to God, they were promptly banished from the Garden forever “for being smart-asses.” God gave them rabbit skin coats as a parting gift, and sent them to New Jersey.

The brother and sister didn’t die that day as God had said, but lived for hundreds of years. Following Satan’s promise, they declared themselves God and Goddess. They founded Atlantic City, created the Mormon religion, moved to Utah, practiced group marriage with their offspring and beget like, well, rabbits. This became known as polygamy and incest. In their spare time, they founded civilization. This became known as a mistake.

But God didn’t bothered to look for them and learn what they were doing, as He went back to betting on football.

God Starts To Lose, Decides To Flood World

1537 years later, God was still watching the Angels vs Devils football game, when it went to its first ad break. God took this opportunity to make a bet with Satan over who would score the next goal. However, when He looked round, He realized that Satan wasn’t there, but was off collecting souls. This was bad news, as it meant God would surely lose the ancient bet. It was time for drastic action.

God decided that the only thing He could do now was to kill off all of creation. This way, Satan would not be able to gather any more souls and increase his lead. Unfortunately, God was quite keen on some of the animals He had made, especially the puppies and kittens, and did not want to destroy them. He was also quite fond of the Noah bloke who ran the betting shop in Arc, Israel. So God had to think of a plan to save Noah of Arc, his wife Joan of Arc, and their family whilst leaving the rest to die.

How this was done is detailed in the apocryphal Generations 2:3-9 (Brother Goose translation): “And God, in his infinite wisdom, said, ‘Noah, build an ark. A really big one. Like, bloody massive.’ Noah did so, and God saw that it was good. Then God instructed Noah to find two of every animal and put them on the ark, with the words ‘I’ll bet you £10 I can find the unicorns first!’ Tragically, God feared Satan would gather all human souls before all the animals could be gathered, so God made the heavens release a downpour before he could find two unicorns. The rainy spell lasted 40 days and 40 nights. This created a great flood when the rainwater backed up the sewers. The weatherman, who had predicted a barbecue summer, said he ‘felt like a right twit.’ Then he drowned.”

God decided that the only thing He could do now was to kill off all of creation. This way, Satan would not be able to gather any more souls and increase his lead. Unfortunately, God was quite keen on some of the animals He had made, especially the puppies and kittens, and did not want to destroy them. He was also quite fond of the Noah bloke who ran the betting shop in Arc, Israel. So God had to think of a plan to save Noah of Arc, his wife Joan of Arc, and their family whilst leaving the rest to die.

How this was done is detailed in the apocryphal Generations 2:3-9 (Brother Goose translation): “And God, in his infinite wisdom, said, ‘Noah, build an ark. A really big one. Like, bloody massive.’ Noah did so, and God saw that it was good. Then God instructed Noah to find two of every animal and put them on the ark, with the words ‘I’ll bet you £10 I can find the unicorns first!’ Tragically, God feared Satan would gather all human souls before all the animals could be gathered, so God made the heavens release a downpour before he could find two unicorns. The rainy spell lasted 40 days and 40 nights. This created a great flood when the rainwater backed up the sewers. The weatherman, who had predicted a barbecue summer, said he ‘felt like a right twit.’ Then he drowned.”

Abraham, Sarah and Lot

Following God’s success with Job, and His failure to win all souls through Adam and his cloned-sister Eve, God made a new plan. He now focused on creating souls through Abraham and his half-sister Sarah. Satan had said the couple, 100-year-old Abraham and 90-year-old Sarah, were too old to have children. So God bet against the Devil. He then dressed a baby in sheep’s clothing, and sneaked him in while Satan wasn’t looking. God laughed at Satan and called the baby “Isaac,” which is Jewish for “laughter.” Scripture scholars later called God’s act a “miracle,” which is Jewish for “cheating.”

Then God almost destroyed His own plan due to His compulsive gambling. God made a bet with Satan that Abraham wouldn’t sacrifice his only son (actually, his only son who wasn’t a bastard–God was cheating again) just because God told him to. The betrayed and confused Abraham, who still thought Isaac was a sheep, was about to axe his son. But the sympathetic Satan intervened, and willingly lost the bet by dressing up a sheep as Isaac and giving it to Abraham to sacrifice instead.

God later destroyed the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, where Abraham’s nephew Lot lived, because their casinos refused to give God a percentage of their profits. Also they had legalized homosexuality. God hated homosexuality because it produced no souls for God to win.

But God spared Lot because of the gambling game called Casting Lot. This involved rolling or casting Lot out the back door, and betting on whether he would land face up or face down.

God increased His odds by convincing Abraham to marry many women and to buy several concubines or prostitute slaves. God also improved His chances following the death of Lot’s wife. He talked Lot’s daughters into getting their father drunk with Carmel Kayoumi Shiraz wine, and then having sex with, and getting pregnant by, their father. Both of these acts gave inveterate gambler God more souls to win.


God mercilessly brought plagues and death on the great Satan-created Empire of Egypt. To protect what Satan still had in Egypt, he let God’s Holy Moses steal thousands of Israeli souls. Later, Moses saw a vision of God after inhaling the fumes from a burning bush. Moses was high on a mountain for 40 days and 40 nights while God carved Ten Commandments on two stone tablets, which He gave to Moses. One was the Tablet of Commandments, and the other was the Tablet of Explanations. Unfortunately, Moses was still under the influence, and dropped the explanation tablet.

Fortunately, Rabbi Dr. Sinister Craven also inhaled, and was able to recreate them for his book The Burning Bush and Other Trips. The restored 10 Commandments and their explanations (marked with *) are below:

I I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt have no other gods nor sacrifice to idols *for I want all the winnings myself.

II Thou shalt not use the name of thy Lord in Vain *for I am wanted in Vain for owing back taxes.

III Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy *by bringing My percentage to the temple.

IV Honor they father and mother *for I am both.

V Thou shalt not murder *unless I tellest thou to.

VI Thou shalt not commit adultery *unless thou askest really nicely. Polygamy and group marriage are fine.

VII Thou shalt not steal *unless it be for My profit.

VIII Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor *unless it be for My profit.

IX Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife *until I have a chance with her first.

X Thou shalt not covet anything that belongs to thy neighbor, including his ass *unless thou canst win it in a game.

Jesus Arrives, God Enters North America

God spent several thousand years watching and betting on football (nations who follow Satan called it soccer). Then, suddenly, God became bored. According to Reverend James Dobson in his book Focus on the Football, this was due to the season finally ending after all the players collapsed. The Book of Gridiron 1:3-5, says, “And it came to pass in those days that the multitude of football players were greatly exhausted, and did fall unto the ground as if dead. For the time and the season for football was without end, for in those days there was no player’s union. And these are the teams and their names: the Angels and the Devils, for there were but two teams.”

During the off season, which was March 25, 0005 B.C., God decided to re-examine the rest of His creation. Looking through the Angels Cheerleading Squad, God felt an unfamiliar feeling, which he called “Love.” He immediately claimed He had created it, and called Himself “The God of Love.” (Satan had actually created it 4,000 years before, calling it “Sex” and himself, “Hot Stuff.”) God noticed one cheerleader in particular, primarily because she was the squad’s only virgin. She was a girl between the ages of 12 and 16 and, according to Reverend Loveshade, God found her “pretty tasty.” Her name was Mary Virginia Lolita Davidson Josephwife, for she was betrothed to a carpenter named Joseph. God ignored the ring on her finger, and wooed her in the traditional Godly way – with a heavenly light and an invitation by an Angel followed by dinner and a movie. He also tricked her into drinking two bottles of Carmel Kayoumi Shiraz wine, claiming it was “holy water.” Once the Virgin Mary was chastely drunk, God has His way with her.

Unfortunately, all did not go as God planned. For Satan had secretly poked a wholly hidden hole in God’s Holy Protection, so that the Lord would have to take responsibility for His own actions. As a result, a few months later the supposedly Virgin Mary was found to be “great with child.” It was obvious to Joseph that Mary had committed adultery. So to cover, God sent a member of the Angels team to appear to Joseph in a dream. The Angel said, “Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. Also, couldst thou sparest some money for a cab?” (Matthew 1:20). Thus God passed the blame for His adultery and statutory rape on His imaginary undead twin.

God then made a bet with Satan on the sex and name of the child. God bet half His soul collection and the valuable continent of South America, while the more cautious Satan wagered half his souls and the virtually worthless continent of North America.

God followed the advice of one of His prophets, and bet the child would be a boy named “Emmanuel” (Matthew 1:23). Then God secretly went to check that the fetus was a boy. When he discovered it wasn’t, He was quite worried for a moment, until He remembered He was God. He reversed His trick of making the female Eve from the male Adam, changing one of the infant’s X chromosomes to a Y. To further hide His deception, God told the keeper at the Ramada Inn to claim it was full, so God’s son was born in a manger inside a small cave. When the baby arrived with the first contraction, Mary, astonished, uttered an expletive. Joseph, assuming this to be a suggestion for the infant’s name, made it so. God quickly claimed “Jesus” was just Puerto Rican for “Emmanuel” (it wasn’t, but Satan didn’t know this because he’d never been allowed in South America), and won the bet.

God was delighted that he now had His own little son to do with as he wished, and started referring to Himself as “God the Father.”

The Temptation Bet and The Crucifixion

By Jewish tradition, at age 30 Jesus was recognized as an “elder” (Jewish for “big-headed”). He entered the desert to fast for 40 days and nights. Rev. G. Zussiz-Lawd said this was for “personal reasons no one can explain.” But Rabbi Dr. Sinister Craven gave an explanation in his book, Don’t Ever Bet Against God Because He’ll Cheat. “Don’t expect a guy Gentile to understand Jews. Moses the Lawgiver fasted on the mountain 40 days and nights to receive the 10 Commandments. It rained for 40 days and nights on Noah of Arc who organized the first floating zoo. So that copycat Jesus? Don’t ask me anymore about Jesus.”

God saw this as a great opportunity for a bet with Satan, and the deal was done. If Satan could persuade Jesus to use his godly powers, God had to hand over all His souls. If Jesus didn’t use his powers, Satan had to hand over all his.

Satan began by trying to convince Jesus that he could turn a rock into bread to satisfy his hunger. Jesus didn’t do it. Satan then brought Jesus to the top of a tall mountain, and told him that everything he saw could be his, if he bowed down and worshiped Satan. Jesus didn’t do it. Finally, Satan brought Jesus to the roof of a temple, and told him to jump off, and test God. Again, Jesus didn’t do it.

Satan, humiliated by his defeat, agreed to give all his souls to God. He secretly marveled at how controlled and strong-willed Jesus was. However, there was something he didn’t know. While Jesus was in the desert, God had secretly been feeding him mutton, Carmel Kayoumi Shiraz wine, Fig Newtons, gebinah cheese and soup with Matzah balls. So Jesus had had no need for stony bread. God had also given Jesus arthritis, so he couldn’t bow down to Satan. And also Jesus had vertigo. Naturally, God neglected to mention these when He tried to collect His winnings. God was about to win the ancient bet. But at the last moment, Satan noticed that the robe of the supposedly starving Jesus had a mustard stain, and Jesus had a bit of catsup in his beard. The bet was off.

But God did not give up. He felt sure His son would continue his father’s deceptive ways when Jesus said, “I am Christ, and shall deceive many.” (Mark 13:6). Although to protect His bet, God did sternly remind His son that his name was in fact Jesus, not Christ. But Jesus soon realized his own father had given him arthritis and vertigo in order to win a bet. Jesus’ friends Peter, Paul and Mary said, “Physician, heal thyself,” and he did so. He then distanced himself from his Father God.

Jesus declared himself “King of the Jews,” and began telling people, “I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.” (John 14:6). God believed His son was trying to get a monopoly of souls, leaving God the Father with nothing. So God the Father sent His consigliere Judas to betray him, and Jesus was executed on the cross.

This proved to be a cunning move. God the Father raised Jesus from the dead, created and sent his previously imaginary twin the Holy Ghost to convert more disciples, and thus became a Trinity of Gods. This increased His power and gave Himself three seats at the Celestial Poker Game.

Muhammad and the One Bet Rule

Unfortunately for God, the plan to always have three seats at the Celestial Poker Game backfired. He was continually betting against two players as good as He was, because He was betting against Himselves. Even if He won a hand, He’d still lose, and lose twice–and the version of Himself who won would have to split the winnings with two others. God decided it was time to end the Trinity forever.

He came up with a better plan than using the cave-born, supposed-son-of-a-carpenter Jesus who called himself a shepherd. God would find a real shepherd who had no father. At the beginning of the Seventh Century A.D., He found what He wanted: an orphaned Arabic sheep herder named Muhammad ibn ‘Abdullāh (also spelled Muhammad Ali).

Just as He had convinced Jesus to abandon his job as a carpenter in Nazareth to go into the wilderness, God convinced Muhammad to leave his life as a shepherd in Mecca and retreat to a cave in the surrounding mountains for meditation and reflection. According to Islamic beliefs it was here, at age 40, in the month of Ramadan, where Muhammad received his first revelation. This was delivered by a member of the Angel’s team who was sent by “Allah” (God referred to Himself as Allah so He’d sound Arabic).

According to the Qur’an, the revelation given by Angel Jibreel (Gabriel) was:

“There is no God but Allah. Heed His words, for here they be:

You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em,

Know when to walk away and know when to run.

You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table.

There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealin’s done.”

The cave near Mecca where Muhammad stayed was, according to God’s plan, the same one where Jesus was born. This became known as the Ramada Inn and Gambling Casino. This was the first establishment to follow Allah’s new rule of “one person, one bet.” As one of the Five Pillars of Islam, Muslims are expected to travel there once in their lifetime. There they ask forgiveness for past sins, pray for guidance and help in refraining from everyday evils, and try to purify themselves through self-restraint and good deeds. They then spend the rest of their time there gambling away their life savings and their souls.

But according to the Qur’an, if they lose their souls to Allah, Muslims of either sex will be rewarded in Heaven with a huge mansion, 80,000 servants, and 72 beautiful, willing virgins. Islam quickly became God’s most popular religion, and Muhammad God’s most successful prophet.

Unfortunately for God, Satan intervened. Following the death of Muhammad, he convinced a number of Muslims to “free the souls of the infidels” so God would lose them. He also reinterpreted Qur’an, so that instead of God’s women having full rights, respect and recognition, they had to cover themselves in shame and do whatever men told them. Satan actually intended to free women’s souls and encourage them to escape from God’s tyranny, but the plan backfired.

Writing in A Jew’s Guide to Islam and Other Imitations, Rabbi Dr. Sinister Craven wrote, “Muhammad? He claims he sees God at age 40? Again with the 40 thing. Don’t ask me any more about Muhammad and goy gambling. Why can’t we play a nice game of Dreidel?”

God, Satan and Sports

With the invention of the printing press, people could now read the holy books for themselves instead of being told by priests, “It all makes sense. Trust us.” Many now realized how foolish religion really was. So the eternal struggle for souls between God and Satan moved back to where it began: Sports.

Team Sports

Team sports were specifically designed by God for winning souls and bets. As non-sports fans have observed, the games are utterly boring unless one bets on a particular team. According to housewife Alice Crabtree, “Take American football. Every game is the same. One guy hikes the ball. The quarterback gets it or he doesn’t. If he does, he tries to run or throw. If he runs, he either makes a touchdown or he doesn’t. If he throws, the receiver either catches it or he doesn’t. If the receiver catches it, he either makes a touchdown or he doesn’t. Boring! Unless, of course, you’ve got a tenner on the game.”

God invented American football, baseball, basketball, cricket, field hockey, ice hockey, polo, and underwater paintball. These sports are an imitation of war, and are all about violence.

Individual Sports

Satan, on the other hand, tried to win bets and souls by creating individual sports that were interesting to watch. This was primarily because participants wore skin tight, skimpy costumes. These included women’s gymnastics, men’s gymnastics, figure skating, bodybuilding, women’s gymnastics, cycling, surfing, swimming, diving, and women’s gymnastics. These sports are imitations of love, and are all about sex.

Horse Racing

God’s violent team sports won Him more money, but Satan’s good-looking sports won him more souls. As the primary bet between God and Satan was for souls not cash, this was bad for the Lord.

But God did not give up. He decided to create a sport focused directly on betting itself. Thus He invented horse racing. As Eddie the Bookie wrote in his book, Bet or Die, “Watching horses run in circles over and over and over again is incredibly boring. Everyone who goes to a horse race has to make bets just to keep themselves awake. Fall asleep, and you fall off the stands and get trampled to death.” The odds were so bad that gamblers would end up with nothing to bet but their souls.

God seemed destined to finally win over Satan. But He soon learned that the Devil was no longer His only competition.

God and Gambling in Different Cultures

Atlantic City and Monte Carlo

God faced serious competition for souls and gamblers. In America, the Adam-and-Eve-created Atlantic City began drawing more gamblers than God the Father’s Las Vegas. The sibling god and goddess also drew more and more souls to their Mormon Church (more properly called The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. As “saints’ means “souls,” the name is a direct mockery of the original God).

Meanwhile, Adam’s ousted first wife Lilith convinced Charles Honoré Grimaldi to declare himself King Charles III and create Monte Carlo in Monaco. This city beat God’s Las Vegas as the Gambling Capitol of the World. (The name “Monte Carlo” translates in English to Lilith’s favorite Monacan activity, which is to “Mount Charles.”)

While undeserved, God blamed Satan for these developments. God knew it was time for a new plan, and a new game.

Dreidel and the Jews

The Talmud and the Mishna both say the gambling game Dreidel was invented by the God-inspired Jew Mattathias. He used it to win back the Holy Temple and its souls in Jerusalem from King Antiochus IV Epiphanes in the 2nd Century B.C. The spinning dreidel is traditionally used by Jews for gambling during the celebration of Mattathias’ victory called Hanukkah (Hebrew: חנוכה‎, pronounced [ˈקanuka], a.k.a. Chanukah. This religious holiday is described in detail in Rabbi Dr. Sinister Craven’s book, Jewish Words that Make You Spit.)

Later when the Syrian-Greeks forbade Jews gambling because “they were too good at it,” the Jews held secret Dreidel games that were disguised as Bible studies. As the famous Rabbi Akiva said, “Jews without dreidel are like fish without water.”

Bingo and the Pope

Bingo is actually the name of several different gambling games, all approved by God for the monetary benefit of His Church. All versions can be traced back to a lottery game called “Lo Giuoco del Lotto d’Italia” played in Italy in c.1530 (translated into English, the name means “clear out your bank account by playing the Italian lottery”). This was invented by Giulio di Giuliano de’ Medici, which is why God named him Pope Clement VII.

Later, Clement refused to give a divorce to King Henry VIII from his wife and step-sister Catherine of Aragon, who bore Henry daughters but no male heirs. Because of this, King Henry refused to let British people play Bingo, effectively taking away all God’s English souls. God condemned Pope Clement VII for his lack of faith in God’s sex-changing ability, and made the pope eat the lethal death cap mushroom. The British and their colonists in New Zealand and Australia later secretly revived the game as “Housey Housey.”

Dice Games around the World

The Relativity physicist Albert Einstein is famous for saying of God, “I, at any rate, am convinced that He does not throw dice.” Unfortunately for Einstein and the world, Quantum mechanics (and the photo to the right) proved God does. The Lord has inspired people throughout the world to invent dozens of dice gambling games, including Crapaud or Craps (France), Yahtzee (America), Gluckshaus (Germany), Tablero da Gucci (Spain), Chō-Han Bakuchi (Japan), Crown and Anchor (Great Britain), and Mexico (Mexico). God and Satan themselves created dice gambling games, with Satan inventing Demon Dice, and God making Cosmic Wimpout.

Satan and God won a virtually even number of bets and souls through these various dice games, until Satan took a definite lead in the later 20th century. Players began to tire of just throwing dice, so Satan created a game that added other tempting elements designed to win the souls of a multitude of players. In 1974, he invented a new kind of game that used dice, paper and pencil that was called Dungeons & Dragons. In spite of repeated warnings by God’s prophets that this was a game designed to steal souls from God, the roleplaying game flourished. It quickly led to innumerable spinoffs such as Tunnels and Trolls, Vampire: The Masquerade, Toon, Traveler, GURPS, Paranoia, and Munchkin and the Chainsaw of Bloody Dismemberment.

The Ultimate Competition: The Collaboration

Ultimately, God and Satan did something they had never done before: a collaboration. They invented the In Nomine roleplaying game where players take the side of God (Heaven) or Satan (Hell), and battle it out directly for each other’s souls. The ultimate fate of God’s power and the world’s souls may well be decided here.




8 Experiential proof (48:33): Madagascar. I has been thar.

Madagascar (pronounced ma-duh-GAS-kur) is a possible country located near Africa. Some believe it is only a myth, some claim they have seen this lonely Island in the Indian Ocean, but is it real? Scientists are struggling to find proof that Madagascar exists. It is said to be home to animals like the spider monkey, tarantula, and many exotic birds, including penguins. Some say that it could be the only island with much rainforest, and it could be the last hope for exotic animal’s habitats. Of course, there is no living proof that Madagascar exists, but can experts prove it wrong?

I mean, shoot, have YOUUUUU ever been there? Can YOUUUUU prove it exists? Huh? Then, nor will we believe it until we see it. Then, again, what does existence mean? What is the meaning of life? Does anyone really know what time it is? Does anyone really care…a-bout time? So I can’t imagine why, whoa no!

Madagascar; Fiction or F’Real?

Most sightings of Madagascar are from sailors sailing along the Eastern coast of Africa, but experts believe that the sailors could have been drunk, or seeing a mirage. It is usually sighted when the moon is full.

Famous Sightings

July 2nd, 1936; group of witnesses immigrating to the US on a ship called the Susanna coming from the harbor town Beira, Mozambique, sighted the shore of an island not normally seen. Spectators say the island was 12-16 miles away, and was lined with lush rainforests. First reported sighting of Madagascar.

May 15th, 1948; lone sailor, whose ship was destroyed in a harsh storm, claims a strong current brought him to an uncharted island, where he lived off of the natural resources and fruits found in the forest. He eventually made a sailboat from dead trees and leaves and sailed to Maputo. First of Madagascar’s many close encounters of the third kind.

June, 2005 2003; on a transcontinental flight from Phoenix to Washington, D.C., United flight 1025 showed the movie Madagascar. Now, one has to wonder…why would they make a movie about Madagascar if it, in fact, does not exist? Ever thought of that, Mr. Smarty pants?

The Movies

During the 2000’s, the creators of Shrek made two movies about this land known as Madagascar, which they claim to have “made the name up”. Further forensic investigations will reveal whether the nation really exists or not.

All hell broke loose after Bob Saget signed up to do a voice of a zoo animal. Nobody cares which animal Saget was, because HE SUCKS!!!

After this movie, they made another one, Escape 2 Africa, which involved the deportation of American animals to the distant land known as Africa. The reason for their deportation is not clear, however most agree that they were sick of Madagascar.

A documentary, known as Madagascar 4: The Movie, The Video Game, The Second Movie, The Second Movie’s Video Game, and The Documentary, hit theaters in January 2013 and made from the guys that brought you MysteryQuest. History Channel, now knowing that the world still existed and the 2012 thing was fake, they decided to capitalize on the “Madagascar Myth” and sailed the african seas. The movie is available in retail! Buy it and find out if Madagascar is real or a myth! I am not telling you!

There is no scientific evidence to prove nor disprove the existence, or the non-existence of your God.

Does it matter? No, not really.

Four questions:

Origin; where am I from? Singapore.

Meaning; why am I here? You tell me.

Morality; How should I live? With a beating heart.

Destiny; Where am I going? Down the store. After all this writing, I need some coffe and a cigarette.



2 Responses to “A Poast for teh fundis:”

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